Why does Santa like milk and cookies?

I couldn't believe my luck. I'd been invited to Santa's workshop, and I was looking forward to the trip. Ever since I was a kid I've wanted to see where the world's toys for Christmas were made.

I arrived at the North Pole by train, a warm ride full of hot cocoa and happiness.

When I arrived at the facility there was a contingent of elves waiting to show me to the workshop. They gave me cookies and cocoa as we drew closer to the building. The cookies were chocolate chocolate chip, and they were delicious. The outside of the workshop was deceptive, a simple shack that looked like it would fall with a good gust. It was just an illusion the guide explained, to keep prying eyes away. Inside the workshop was full of elves working magic and creating all the toys for the season. You could see the magic in the air, a shimmering as the elves worked. Everything from dolls to gaming machines were created, appearing from thin air with the wave of the hand or the snap of the fingers. I stood fascinated as I watched them work. After a moment my guide motioned, and I followed him farther into the facility.

The warehouse that housed the toys was immense. It stretched for miles and miles in all directions, though the shelves only went up to my eye height. Elves crawled all over the shelving, stacking toys and making sure everything was in order. The day was truly fantastic.

I even had the pleasure of meeting the big man himself. We talked about a myriad of things, most of which I have forgotten, but there's one part of the conversation I will never forget.

I asked him, “Santa, why do you always ask for children to leave you out milk and cookies?”

A sad look covered Santa's face before he answered, “Because that's not how cookies are made.”

“What do you mean?”

The sad look deepened, “Come with me, I'll show you.”

He led me back through the warehouse and workshop, and to another building, but we didn't go inside. “I've asked them to stop when they see me.” Santa said, gesturing towards the window.

I didn't know what to think as I looked through the window, was Santa a peeping Tom? The sight that met my eyes was disturbing. Elves were standing over bowls, their little heineys poised over the container, and pooping into them.

Santa started to explain as I watched an elf reach in and start to knead the feces.

“Their shit is sweet, you see. And they are convinced that they make cookies out of their backsides. Admittedly, they are good, but just knowing where they come from makes it hard to truly enjoy.”

“Now I understand Santa, I'd probably ask everyone for milk and cookies as well, if these were my cookies the rest of the year.”

It was at that moment I remembered the cookies I'd eaten earlier, and I struggled not to throw up. To this day I regret asking Santa that question, because I will never look at cookies the same.


We want moar!

So we've had a few stories turned in, but we want more! We look forward to reading your short stories, so check out the requirements and send them in!

The conditions for your submission are simple:

  • Entries may be emailed to siamoderators@gmail.com.

  • Please indicate “SIA’s Cookie Comedy Short Stories Contest” in the Headline.

  • Entries must include your name, a title, as well as a word count.

  • Submissions MUST BE received NO LATER than December 22nd.

  • And the winner will be announced on December 26th!

  • You may submit as many entries as you wish.

  • Double or triple your chances!

  • Your story cannot be shorter than 1000 words and cannot be longer than 2000 words.

  • Any stories not fitting these length requirements will be disqualified.

  • Excessive elements of gore, sexuality & violence will cause your story to be disqualified. Aim for a PG-13 rating for your story’s content.

  • Any stories promoting racism, sexism, misogyny or violence against marginalized groups will be disqualified.

The other MODS and I look forward to reading them! Keep being awesome and #SupportIndieAuthors! #ElvesPoopCookies

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